Woah, Black Betty

Something I learnt today: A few new Merengue moves
Something that made me laugh today: M*A*S*H

I'm posting this with respect to the last 24 hours. I went to a dance class. Hurrah. The people there were mostly young except for one very old guy that I had to dance with once. Which was bad. One of us were doing all the moves wrong. And if I was doing them wrong then Peter, my previous partner, had been doing them all wrong with me. Hmm. Anyway.

Yesterday I drove myself out to Bunnings to buy wood so that I can begin to fix up a piece of furniture I dragged off Wright street and into the back of my car two weeks ago.

While I was at Bunnings I began enquires as to how to put the handles on some other piece of furtniture that I had been working on at the time. Putting on handles I hear you ask, surely it's not that difficult? But the screws I had been given to apply these handles were 2 -3 times longer than they needed to be. And along the length of them were breaks in the thread that would allow them to be broken off to a more convienient size.

Unfortunately I had not brought the handles (or the screws) with me. I spoke to a lovely man called Earl at the Hire Shop who informed me that he would break them for if I were to present them to him. This meant driving back home (which wasn't as incredibly irritating as one might think...I also needed questions answered before I was able to pick out the wood I would later buy). At home I began pouring through the mess that my garage (my work bench) has become in search for these three handles. I find two. I continue to search, but to no avail. These things cost $5 each, so I'm not incredibly thrilled. But I grab what I can, figure out what length I want them and return to Bunnings.

Back at Bunnings I grab my wood and return to the Hire Shop. Earl's not there. I explain to Nick why I want Earl and then explain to him that snapping the screws will ruin the thread (something I had suspected that Earl had made clear). Nick then takes a screw and a saw and begins to potter around searching for an appropriate place to begin to saw through my screws.

Nick needs to get back to work. Nick gets another guy to help me. He gets a girl (I gave up on reading name tags at this point). The girl grabs a pair of bolt cutters and happily cuts through one screw, two screws (red screw, blue screw?) On the third the screw goes flying (I had picked up another handle) and is never seen again. The girls wanders off to grab a fourth screw which she cuts and hands to me. It is too long, but only by a few mm, so I cope with it.

Later that night, I go to put the handles on. The screws are too long. I curse a little. I pick up the forth screw because while it's too long, there's room for me to cut it shorter. Which, I should point out, I quite successfully achieve. Perhaps not with the finesse and skill of the Bunnings Mentone staff, but I still pull it off. The screw fits perfectly. The handle smiles at me in that way that only handles can.

My Coles has a very small hardware section. I have bought a packet of nails from my store before. I don my MD player and walk out of the house. At this time it's 20 past 11pm. My store closes at midnight, and it's half hour walk. I get to the store and proceed to explain to Toby (duty manager) why I require screws at midnight on a Tuesday and he helps me find them. I buy a $2.48 packet which is described by my reciept as %JACK NUTS BOLTS ASSTD 1EA. It's 23:48 on the reciept, and I wander out of Coles with a few minutes to spare and return home.

I open my precious find and begin to examine the contents. The screws are all too short, or exactly the same length as the ones I already have. Damn.

But awit! The nuts. I put a nut on one of the screws then try to put the handle on. I've still got room to spare. I remove the screw and add a second nut. Success. My second handle begins to smile in exactly the same way the first one has. This extension of screw heads and nuts is poking into the drawer and I know that one day (one day...) I am going to severly (if not repetitively) injure myself on this mess of metal. But I don't care.

I put two nuts on the third screw (which realistically, is the second one) and poke it through the wood. It's too short. Go figure. I remove one of the nuts and try again. It fits perfectly and a third handle starts to smile at me. Perfect.

All in all, it seems to me, that this was a ridiculous amount of effort to do something that I'm sure probably exists in yellow and red plastic for children aged 3+.

Anyone who wishes to see the final result and those smug little handles can view it at my webpage. It's the one called Black Betty. If you click the broken image link (It's beyond me why that's not working) you may just be able to figure out why I gave it such a name. This link, for your information, is the "before" photo.